I'm sorry, Father John. I don't know how it is in your world, so I just wanted to make sure that grape wine would be fine for you on Sunday. [Indeed, his tone is pretty even and neutral about all this.]
I have to tell you, though—it was a mistake to try to save Dorian Gray like that.
... You and I know there is only one way to salvation and everlasting life. [Jesus, obvsly.] Yet some people choose to pursue alternative routes to immortality. That is heresy.
Vampirism is one such heresy.
My Church considers it a plague. In my world, you would be a contradiction. A kind of fake priest.
[ Kirei is treading very, very close to some worrisome ground. John
chooses his next words carefully. ]
I'm not surprised. I know as well that in, say, Nadja and Laszlo's world,
any symbols and words of faith are completely anathema to—to vampires. You
can't even say the word God near them without hurting them.
[ This is said with profound sympathy, because he really does
like—adore, really—Nadja. ]
If—if I had been unable to continue my duties as a priest after my—my
change, I would agree with you that it is heresy. But the fact that my
faith remains whole—the fact that I can still speak the Word of God and
perform the sacraments without pain—suggests that matters are more
complicated than that.
[It's not a bad argument. He doesn't relate to or have much sympathy for Father John, but as a fake priest himself he can recognize some familiar reasoning.
Except he would never deny that he is anything other than a heretic. It's just one small piece of the firm line that separates him from people like Father John.]
It ... it felt better to keep it private. For now. Godric knew. So did
Nadja and Dracula—and Laszlo too, presumably. But I wasn't ready to, um,
come out of the broom closet, as it were.
Abnormal? No. Judged ... something like that. Selfishness, too? The idea
that if I made public what I am, I wouldn't be able to celebrate Mass or
fulfill my vocation.
[ A rueful, quiet chuckle. ]
It's always the cover-up that bites you in the behind, isn't it?
[He can't relate and doesn't really understand since he gets absolutely nothing from his vocation, not even an ego boost from the attention and assumptions of authority.
Were Father John's boyish sheepishness an act, it would be utterly wasted on Kirei. He feels neither warmth nor friendship, so he can only think about this logically, and something still isn't quite adding up. With the exception of a few Saints, everyone is basically selfish. It's a superficial explanation. Was it desperation for comfort and familiarity, vanity, misguided but nevertheless sincere devotion, or something else that set this man on the road to disaster?]
[ John considers, and decides to turn up at least one or two of the
cards he has on the table, and let Kirei see them. A little truth can go a
long way, after all. ]
Well ... thereby hangs a tale. Might as well tell you.
I was pastor on Crockett Island for decades. Grew old there—old and
decrepit, worse than anyone in the parish realized. But they all pitched in
to pay for me to take a tour of the Holy Land, where I ...
I was frightened. Lost. Literally, at last—became separated from the tour
group outside of Damascus, and it was there that I found the—
[ Angel. ]
—the being that changed me. Restored me, revived me. And after that ... I
suppose I could have gone anywhere, done anything, but what I found I
wanted, more than anything, was to return to Crockett. To take up my work
there again.
But I couldn't—I thought I couldn't just show up and say hello, it's me,
Monsignor Pruitt, not like this, without any warning. So I called myself
Paul Hill, told them that I was sent by the diocese to stand in for
Monsignor Pruitt while he recovered from an illness. I thought ... I will
let them learn to trust me again, before I can reveal myself. And at the
time, I could still walk in daylight, so it wasn't ... it was all normal,
at first. Only when the change took over me fully, when I couldn't go out
in the day anymore—only then, could I reveal it all.
[He listens, fingers steepled thoughtfully. At the mention of the 'being,' he frowns, but lets Father John continue this tale of folly. So this is how a man of God becomes a plaything of evil?
It's sad. He doesn't feel sad, but understands that he should.
Or maybe it isn't sad. Father John doesn't seem to mind the change, and perhaps his world really is one that allows for a synthesis between vampirism and Christianity.
It doesn't matter. The possibility that God abandoned him; that he is permanently stained with a blasphemy that makes him abominable in the eyes of their Lord; that his ability to continue to say the Word of God and hand out sacraments is nothing but a further mockery and corruption... that he is beyond all hope of salvation...
How can he not secretly be tormented by these possibilities? What would it take to make him face them? He clearly loves his home—even though he likely destroyed it. Is there an individual, perhaps a woman or a child, that would need to be destroyed as a consequence of his foolishness to make him understand? How would this confident, self-assured man feel then?
At the end, he nods to show he followed everything.]
You should not have returned to that island. [He lowers his eyes.] In general, human beings are meant to experience only a certain range of phenomena. What happened to you was beyond your world's common sense.
[And he looks up again, firmly.]
I can't tell you how many disasters have happened in mine because someone, often through no fault of their own, encountered something they shouldn't have.
[ Nonsense. Of course he had to return to Crockett. That was his
true flock, his chosen people ...
Millie ...
But he doesn't say that. And he also doesn't allow himself to think
about Hassan sobbing over his son, the rising panic in the church, the gun,
Bev screaming Close the doors! It's going to be all right. They'll see.
When he comes back, they will see... ]
I've put my faith in the Lord, that the path that has opened to me is the
right one. [ Gently stubborn. ] I have made mistakes,
clearly, because my understanding of His purpose is imperfect, as is true
of all of us. But I believe I will find my way.
[Now he knows exactly what type of idiot he's dealing with.] Yes. You're right. [But isn't exactly looking to argue.] Our understanding is imperfect. I've seen many sad scenes, Father John. There are many things about God I don't understand... [And his eyes narrow at that. But the intensity quickly fades... He shakes his head. There really is no nice way to say this.]
... In my world, once your secret was revealed, trained combatants would have been sent to kill every single person on your island. Do you understand? Every single person. That includes children.
[ John bristles quietly. Part of him sees the truth in Kirei's
words, but ultimately it has the exact opposite effect that Kirei may be
going for. It just makes him want to dig in his heels that much harder. ]
If you're trying to undermine my faith, Kirei, it's not working.
That's not what I'm trying to do. [Is it? He doesn't really know himself... He'll have to reflect on that later.]
I have no opinion on whether what happened to you was good or bad. My only point is that you encountered something mysterious and had no way of knowing what it was or what its consequences would be.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 16:05 (UTC)I have to tell you, though—it was a mistake to try to save Dorian Gray like that.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 16:08 (UTC)Well, even grape juice will do in a pinch where I'm from. [ Cracking light jokes now. It's cool. Everything's fine. ]
Anyway, y—yes. I know that now.
Even if he wasn't ... I mean, I only just learned about the way death works here anyway, and ... panic makes me stupid.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 16:17 (UTC)Do you understand?
Many people would prefer to die rather than live as a vampire.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 16:20 (UTC)...Yes. Yes, of course.
[ Not going to argue. ]
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 16:45 (UTC)Vampirism is one such heresy.
My Church considers it a plague. In my world, you would be a contradiction. A kind of fake priest.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 17:13 (UTC)[ Kirei is treading very, very close to some worrisome ground. John chooses his next words carefully. ]
I'm not surprised. I know as well that in, say, Nadja and Laszlo's world, any symbols and words of faith are completely anathema to—to vampires. You can't even say the word God near them without hurting them.
[ This is said with profound sympathy, because he really does like—adore, really—Nadja. ]
If—if I had been unable to continue my duties as a priest after my—my change, I would agree with you that it is heresy. But the fact that my faith remains whole—the fact that I can still speak the Word of God and perform the sacraments without pain—suggests that matters are more complicated than that.
At least ... at least in my world.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 18:55 (UTC)Except he would never deny that he is anything other than a heretic. It's just one small piece of the firm line that separates him from people like Father John.]
In that case, why did you hide what you are?
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 20:22 (UTC)It ... it felt better to keep it private. For now. Godric knew. So did Nadja and Dracula—and Laszlo too, presumably. But I wasn't ready to, um, come out of the broom closet, as it were.
That was clearly a mistake.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 20:37 (UTC)Were you afraid you would be judged?
[He's just... curious. And was recently advised to pursue his interests, so hopefully Father John won't mind if he picks at this a little bit.]
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 22:46 (UTC)Abnormal? No. Judged ... something like that. Selfishness, too? The idea that if I made public what I am, I wouldn't be able to celebrate Mass or fulfill my vocation.
[ A rueful, quiet chuckle. ]
It's always the cover-up that bites you in the behind, isn't it?
no subject
Date: 07/01/2022 02:10 (UTC)Were Father John's boyish sheepishness an act, it would be utterly wasted on Kirei. He feels neither warmth nor friendship, so he can only think about this logically, and something still isn't quite adding up. With the exception of a few Saints, everyone is basically selfish. It's a superficial explanation. Was it desperation for comfort and familiarity, vanity, misguided but nevertheless sincere devotion, or something else that set this man on the road to disaster?]
... Did something similar happen back home?
no subject
Date: 07/01/2022 07:03 (UTC)[ John considers, and decides to turn up at least one or two of the cards he has on the table, and let Kirei see them. A little truth can go a long way, after all. ]
Well ... thereby hangs a tale. Might as well tell you.
I was pastor on Crockett Island for decades. Grew old there—old and decrepit, worse than anyone in the parish realized. But they all pitched in to pay for me to take a tour of the Holy Land, where I ...
I was frightened. Lost. Literally, at last—became separated from the tour group outside of Damascus, and it was there that I found the—
[ Angel. ]
—the being that changed me. Restored me, revived me. And after that ... I suppose I could have gone anywhere, done anything, but what I found I wanted, more than anything, was to return to Crockett. To take up my work there again.
But I couldn't—I thought I couldn't just show up and say hello, it's me, Monsignor Pruitt, not like this, without any warning. So I called myself Paul Hill, told them that I was sent by the diocese to stand in for Monsignor Pruitt while he recovered from an illness. I thought ... I will let them learn to trust me again, before I can reveal myself. And at the time, I could still walk in daylight, so it wasn't ... it was all normal, at first. Only when the change took over me fully, when I couldn't go out in the day anymore—only then, could I reveal it all.
no subject
Date: 07/01/2022 16:42 (UTC)It's sad. He doesn't feel sad, but understands that he should.
Or maybe it isn't sad. Father John doesn't seem to mind the change, and perhaps his world really is one that allows for a synthesis between vampirism and Christianity.
It doesn't matter. The possibility that God abandoned him; that he is permanently stained with a blasphemy that makes him abominable in the eyes of their Lord; that his ability to continue to say the Word of God and hand out sacraments is nothing but a further mockery and corruption... that he is beyond all hope of salvation...
How can he not secretly be tormented by these possibilities? What would it take to make him face them? He clearly loves his home—even though he likely destroyed it. Is there an individual, perhaps a woman or a child, that would need to be destroyed as a consequence of his foolishness to make him understand? How would this confident, self-assured man feel then?
At the end, he nods to show he followed everything.]
You should not have returned to that island. [He lowers his eyes.] In general, human beings are meant to experience only a certain range of phenomena. What happened to you was beyond your world's common sense.
[And he looks up again, firmly.]
I can't tell you how many disasters have happened in mine because someone, often through no fault of their own, encountered something they shouldn't have.
no subject
Date: 07/01/2022 22:21 (UTC)[ Nonsense. Of course he had to return to Crockett. That was his true flock, his chosen people ...
Millie ...
But he doesn't say that. And he also doesn't allow himself to think about Hassan sobbing over his son, the rising panic in the church, the gun, Bev screaming Close the doors! It's going to be all right. They'll see. When he comes back, they will see... ]
I've put my faith in the Lord, that the path that has opened to me is the right one. [ Gently stubborn. ] I have made mistakes, clearly, because my understanding of His purpose is imperfect, as is true of all of us. But I believe I will find my way.
no subject
Date: 08/01/2022 03:49 (UTC)... In my world, once your secret was revealed, trained combatants would have been sent to kill every single person on your island. Do you understand? Every single person. That includes children.
no subject
Date: 08/01/2022 04:09 (UTC)[ A brief silence, then: ]
Just as well, then, that I don't live in your world.
no subject
Date: 08/01/2022 04:18 (UTC)What happened would be covered up. Explained as some kind of plague or collective madness. A natural disaster even.
Whatever made the most convenient story.
no subject
Date: 08/01/2022 06:01 (UTC)[ John bristles quietly. Part of him sees the truth in Kirei's words, but ultimately it has the exact opposite effect that Kirei may be going for. It just makes him want to dig in his heels that much harder. ]
If you're trying to undermine my faith, Kirei, it's not working.
no subject
Date: 08/01/2022 06:35 (UTC)I have no opinion on whether what happened to you was good or bad. My only point is that you encountered something mysterious and had no way of knowing what it was or what its consequences would be.
That's all.
no subject
Date: 10/01/2022 19:44 (UTC)Fair enough.
[ This line of conversation is making him uncomfortable and he's starting to shut down a bit. ]
no subject
Date: 10/01/2022 20:28 (UTC)[ Their conversation digressed quite a bit from its original purpose. ]
Anyway. I won't take up more of your time. I'll see you on Sunday when I bring you Communion. [And he will. Unless Father John is death tolled.]
no subject
Date: 11/01/2022 04:55 (UTC)See you then. And thanks, again.
[ When Kirei sees him again, he'll be out cold in the infirmary. Oops. ]