Oh—Kirei, hello. I was—I wanted to talk to you anyway.
I'm all right. I mean, for certain values of "all right".
Obviously I owe Dorian no end of apologies, but I wanted to apologize to
you as well for making such a—such a disaster of things. In the chapel, of
all places.
You don't have to apologize to me. [Adamant.] The chapel is my responsibility, so if something happens there, it's my fault. So I owe you an apology as well.
[Because he's been enjoying your disgrace. And feels bad. Or rather knows he should feel bad.]
Xie Lian has—I'm to stay out of the chapel for a while, until things cool
down. So I won't be doing Mass or daily devotions. I—I don't object. It
seemed only fair.
Ah, that was one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. I agree that it's a good idea for you to stay out of the chapel. I can do Mass and daily devotions in the meantime, but I don't want you to feel unable to practice your faith. I think that would be cruel. Would you like me to come by and bring you Holy Communion on Sunday?
I don't know. [Bad person to try and play dumb with, John.] In my world, the definitive doctrine of the Catholic Church is that grape wine is the only valid matter for transubstantiation. I thought it might be different in your world, especially since you're both a priest and a vampire.
And that young man, Dorian, said you tried to make him drink your blood.
Only because I panicked and thought I'd killed him. And was trying to save him the only way I could think of.
[ He sounds hurt and mildly offended. ]
I promise you, the Communion wine has only ever been wine. I wouldn't think of doctoring it. Have any of the scientists run tests on it, and you'll see.
[ Not that he hadn't considered—even loosely planned—to share the gift. But he was waiting on it. Waiting to settle in a bit more, waiting to get a better sense of the people around him. So yes, the wine is indeed only wine. ]
I'm sorry, Father John. I don't know how it is in your world, so I just wanted to make sure that grape wine would be fine for you on Sunday. [Indeed, his tone is pretty even and neutral about all this.]
I have to tell you, though—it was a mistake to try to save Dorian Gray like that.
... You and I know there is only one way to salvation and everlasting life. [Jesus, obvsly.] Yet some people choose to pursue alternative routes to immortality. That is heresy.
Vampirism is one such heresy.
My Church considers it a plague. In my world, you would be a contradiction. A kind of fake priest.
[ Kirei is treading very, very close to some worrisome ground. John
chooses his next words carefully. ]
I'm not surprised. I know as well that in, say, Nadja and Laszlo's world,
any symbols and words of faith are completely anathema to—to vampires. You
can't even say the word God near them without hurting them.
[ This is said with profound sympathy, because he really does
like—adore, really—Nadja. ]
If—if I had been unable to continue my duties as a priest after my—my
change, I would agree with you that it is heresy. But the fact that my
faith remains whole—the fact that I can still speak the Word of God and
perform the sacraments without pain—suggests that matters are more
complicated than that.
[It's not a bad argument. He doesn't relate to or have much sympathy for Father John, but as a fake priest himself he can recognize some familiar reasoning.
Except he would never deny that he is anything other than a heretic. It's just one small piece of the firm line that separates him from people like Father John.]
It ... it felt better to keep it private. For now. Godric knew. So did
Nadja and Dracula—and Laszlo too, presumably. But I wasn't ready to, um,
come out of the broom closet, as it were.
Abnormal? No. Judged ... something like that. Selfishness, too? The idea
that if I made public what I am, I wouldn't be able to celebrate Mass or
fulfill my vocation.
[ A rueful, quiet chuckle. ]
It's always the cover-up that bites you in the behind, isn't it?
[He can't relate and doesn't really understand since he gets absolutely nothing from his vocation, not even an ego boost from the attention and assumptions of authority.
Were Father John's boyish sheepishness an act, it would be utterly wasted on Kirei. He feels neither warmth nor friendship, so he can only think about this logically, and something still isn't quite adding up. With the exception of a few Saints, everyone is basically selfish. It's a superficial explanation. Was it desperation for comfort and familiarity, vanity, misguided but nevertheless sincere devotion, or something else that set this man on the road to disaster?]
[ John considers, and decides to turn up at least one or two of the
cards he has on the table, and let Kirei see them. A little truth can go a
long way, after all. ]
Well ... thereby hangs a tale. Might as well tell you.
I was pastor on Crockett Island for decades. Grew old there—old and
decrepit, worse than anyone in the parish realized. But they all pitched in
to pay for me to take a tour of the Holy Land, where I ...
I was frightened. Lost. Literally, at last—became separated from the tour
group outside of Damascus, and it was there that I found the—
[ Angel. ]
—the being that changed me. Restored me, revived me. And after that ... I
suppose I could have gone anywhere, done anything, but what I found I
wanted, more than anything, was to return to Crockett. To take up my work
there again.
But I couldn't—I thought I couldn't just show up and say hello, it's me,
Monsignor Pruitt, not like this, without any warning. So I called myself
Paul Hill, told them that I was sent by the diocese to stand in for
Monsignor Pruitt while he recovered from an illness. I thought ... I will
let them learn to trust me again, before I can reveal myself. And at the
time, I could still walk in daylight, so it wasn't ... it was all normal,
at first. Only when the change took over me fully, when I couldn't go out
in the day anymore—only then, could I reveal it all.
[He listens, fingers steepled thoughtfully. At the mention of the 'being,' he frowns, but lets Father John continue this tale of folly. So this is how a man of God becomes a plaything of evil?
It's sad. He doesn't feel sad, but understands that he should.
Or maybe it isn't sad. Father John doesn't seem to mind the change, and perhaps his world really is one that allows for a synthesis between vampirism and Christianity.
It doesn't matter. The possibility that God abandoned him; that he is permanently stained with a blasphemy that makes him abominable in the eyes of their Lord; that his ability to continue to say the Word of God and hand out sacraments is nothing but a further mockery and corruption... that he is beyond all hope of salvation...
How can he not secretly be tormented by these possibilities? What would it take to make him face them? He clearly loves his home—even though he likely destroyed it. Is there an individual, perhaps a woman or a child, that would need to be destroyed as a consequence of his foolishness to make him understand? How would this confident, self-assured man feel then?
At the end, he nods to show he followed everything.]
You should not have returned to that island. [He lowers his eyes.] In general, human beings are meant to experience only a certain range of phenomena. What happened to you was beyond your world's common sense.
[And he looks up again, firmly.]
I can't tell you how many disasters have happened in mine because someone, often through no fault of their own, encountered something they shouldn't have.
[ Nonsense. Of course he had to return to Crockett. That was his
true flock, his chosen people ...
Millie ...
But he doesn't say that. And he also doesn't allow himself to think
about Hassan sobbing over his son, the rising panic in the church, the gun,
Bev screaming Close the doors! It's going to be all right. They'll see.
When he comes back, they will see... ]
I've put my faith in the Lord, that the path that has opened to me is the
right one. [ Gently stubborn. ] I have made mistakes,
clearly, because my understanding of His purpose is imperfect, as is true
of all of us. But I believe I will find my way.
[Now he knows exactly what type of idiot he's dealing with.] Yes. You're right. [But isn't exactly looking to argue.] Our understanding is imperfect. I've seen many sad scenes, Father John. There are many things about God I don't understand... [And his eyes narrow at that. But the intensity quickly fades... He shakes his head. There really is no nice way to say this.]
... In my world, once your secret was revealed, trained combatants would have been sent to kill every single person on your island. Do you understand? Every single person. That includes children.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sometime after The Incident
Date: 05/01/2022 19:47 (UTC)... [softly, trying to be kind.] Are you all right?
Re: sometime after The Incident
Date: 05/01/2022 20:50 (UTC)Oh—Kirei, hello. I was—I wanted to talk to you anyway.
I'm all right. I mean, for certain values of "all right".
Obviously I owe Dorian no end of apologies, but I wanted to apologize to you as well for making such a—such a disaster of things. In the chapel, of all places.
no subject
Date: 05/01/2022 21:45 (UTC)[Because he's been enjoying your disgrace. And feels bad. Or rather knows he should feel bad.]
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 02:50 (UTC)No—no—I should have ...
I should have known better. That's all.
Xie Lian has—I'm to stay out of the chapel for a while, until things cool down. So I won't be doing Mass or daily devotions. I—I don't object. It seemed only fair.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 03:27 (UTC)no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 05:02 (UTC)[ His voice cracks a little. He's genuinely, deeply touched and relieved by the offer, and grateful that he won't have to forsake the sacraments. ]
Yes—yes, I'd be very grateful. Thank you.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 05:13 (UTC)... The sacrament will be wine, though.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 05:25 (UTC)... what else would it be?
[ Thinking, somewhat indignantly, that he hasn't even come close to beginning the work of the resurrection and the new covenant here. Not yet. ]
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 06:15 (UTC)And that young man, Dorian, said you tried to make him drink your blood.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 15:44 (UTC)Only because I panicked and thought I'd killed him. And was trying to save him the only way I could think of.
[ He sounds hurt and mildly offended. ]
I promise you, the Communion wine has only ever been wine. I wouldn't think of doctoring it. Have any of the scientists run tests on it, and you'll see.
[ Not that he hadn't considered—even loosely planned—to share the gift. But he was waiting on it. Waiting to settle in a bit more, waiting to get a better sense of the people around him. So yes, the wine is indeed only wine. ]
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 16:05 (UTC)I have to tell you, though—it was a mistake to try to save Dorian Gray like that.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 16:08 (UTC)Well, even grape juice will do in a pinch where I'm from. [ Cracking light jokes now. It's cool. Everything's fine. ]
Anyway, y—yes. I know that now.
Even if he wasn't ... I mean, I only just learned about the way death works here anyway, and ... panic makes me stupid.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 16:17 (UTC)Do you understand?
Many people would prefer to die rather than live as a vampire.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 16:20 (UTC)...Yes. Yes, of course.
[ Not going to argue. ]
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 16:45 (UTC)Vampirism is one such heresy.
My Church considers it a plague. In my world, you would be a contradiction. A kind of fake priest.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 17:13 (UTC)[ Kirei is treading very, very close to some worrisome ground. John chooses his next words carefully. ]
I'm not surprised. I know as well that in, say, Nadja and Laszlo's world, any symbols and words of faith are completely anathema to—to vampires. You can't even say the word God near them without hurting them.
[ This is said with profound sympathy, because he really does like—adore, really—Nadja. ]
If—if I had been unable to continue my duties as a priest after my—my change, I would agree with you that it is heresy. But the fact that my faith remains whole—the fact that I can still speak the Word of God and perform the sacraments without pain—suggests that matters are more complicated than that.
At least ... at least in my world.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 18:55 (UTC)Except he would never deny that he is anything other than a heretic. It's just one small piece of the firm line that separates him from people like Father John.]
In that case, why did you hide what you are?
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 20:22 (UTC)It ... it felt better to keep it private. For now. Godric knew. So did Nadja and Dracula—and Laszlo too, presumably. But I wasn't ready to, um, come out of the broom closet, as it were.
That was clearly a mistake.
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 20:37 (UTC)Were you afraid you would be judged?
[He's just... curious. And was recently advised to pursue his interests, so hopefully Father John won't mind if he picks at this a little bit.]
no subject
Date: 06/01/2022 22:46 (UTC)Abnormal? No. Judged ... something like that. Selfishness, too? The idea that if I made public what I am, I wouldn't be able to celebrate Mass or fulfill my vocation.
[ A rueful, quiet chuckle. ]
It's always the cover-up that bites you in the behind, isn't it?
no subject
Date: 07/01/2022 02:10 (UTC)Were Father John's boyish sheepishness an act, it would be utterly wasted on Kirei. He feels neither warmth nor friendship, so he can only think about this logically, and something still isn't quite adding up. With the exception of a few Saints, everyone is basically selfish. It's a superficial explanation. Was it desperation for comfort and familiarity, vanity, misguided but nevertheless sincere devotion, or something else that set this man on the road to disaster?]
... Did something similar happen back home?
no subject
Date: 07/01/2022 07:03 (UTC)[ John considers, and decides to turn up at least one or two of the cards he has on the table, and let Kirei see them. A little truth can go a long way, after all. ]
Well ... thereby hangs a tale. Might as well tell you.
I was pastor on Crockett Island for decades. Grew old there—old and decrepit, worse than anyone in the parish realized. But they all pitched in to pay for me to take a tour of the Holy Land, where I ...
I was frightened. Lost. Literally, at last—became separated from the tour group outside of Damascus, and it was there that I found the—
[ Angel. ]
—the being that changed me. Restored me, revived me. And after that ... I suppose I could have gone anywhere, done anything, but what I found I wanted, more than anything, was to return to Crockett. To take up my work there again.
But I couldn't—I thought I couldn't just show up and say hello, it's me, Monsignor Pruitt, not like this, without any warning. So I called myself Paul Hill, told them that I was sent by the diocese to stand in for Monsignor Pruitt while he recovered from an illness. I thought ... I will let them learn to trust me again, before I can reveal myself. And at the time, I could still walk in daylight, so it wasn't ... it was all normal, at first. Only when the change took over me fully, when I couldn't go out in the day anymore—only then, could I reveal it all.
no subject
Date: 07/01/2022 16:42 (UTC)It's sad. He doesn't feel sad, but understands that he should.
Or maybe it isn't sad. Father John doesn't seem to mind the change, and perhaps his world really is one that allows for a synthesis between vampirism and Christianity.
It doesn't matter. The possibility that God abandoned him; that he is permanently stained with a blasphemy that makes him abominable in the eyes of their Lord; that his ability to continue to say the Word of God and hand out sacraments is nothing but a further mockery and corruption... that he is beyond all hope of salvation...
How can he not secretly be tormented by these possibilities? What would it take to make him face them? He clearly loves his home—even though he likely destroyed it. Is there an individual, perhaps a woman or a child, that would need to be destroyed as a consequence of his foolishness to make him understand? How would this confident, self-assured man feel then?
At the end, he nods to show he followed everything.]
You should not have returned to that island. [He lowers his eyes.] In general, human beings are meant to experience only a certain range of phenomena. What happened to you was beyond your world's common sense.
[And he looks up again, firmly.]
I can't tell you how many disasters have happened in mine because someone, often through no fault of their own, encountered something they shouldn't have.
no subject
Date: 07/01/2022 22:21 (UTC)[ Nonsense. Of course he had to return to Crockett. That was his true flock, his chosen people ...
Millie ...
But he doesn't say that. And he also doesn't allow himself to think about Hassan sobbing over his son, the rising panic in the church, the gun, Bev screaming Close the doors! It's going to be all right. They'll see. When he comes back, they will see... ]
I've put my faith in the Lord, that the path that has opened to me is the right one. [ Gently stubborn. ] I have made mistakes, clearly, because my understanding of His purpose is imperfect, as is true of all of us. But I believe I will find my way.
no subject
Date: 08/01/2022 03:49 (UTC)... In my world, once your secret was revealed, trained combatants would have been sent to kill every single person on your island. Do you understand? Every single person. That includes children.
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